And So Today..

I haven't slept and proooooobably should

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 03:33:04 -0600

330 AM. I’ve come to know you so well. But I got so much done in the last couple days. I’m excited for next year. Excited for a new room and all the fun stuff that comes with that I guess. I’d really like to pick up a Bioshock styled poster and then like a Colorado flag I think. Idk, I need to make more pictures too. I would really like that majors mask poster too cause that thing is sick as shit. I’m fucking ready for chemistry today though I think. Idk, I’m going crazy. So sleepy. Time for bed. Brush teeth now and go sleepy

365rulesforpremeds: Some pre-finals inspiration for y’all.

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 15:37:16 -0700

365rulesforpremeds:

Some pre-finals inspiration for y’all.

rawrr

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:34:18 -0700

I had three things I wanted to get done today and I ended up getting one and then half of another done. I wish I could say it was for a lack of trying but I worked pretty legitimately for about 7 hours. But I got the pre-lab for chem done tomorrow and most of the ex phys lab done so that will let me finish it soon.

I’m gonna take my laptop to the IT center tomorrow and see if they can do bootcamp and put windows on my mac and such because I would really like to play lol again. I’ve learned that watching it isn’t quite as unwinding as playing it is. So my options are to go back to zelda and keep working at that. Or get my lol back.

asdfghjkl

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 01:48:40 -0700

this isn’t so much to vent as to say I’m sorry

this is likely to become a stream of consciousness and i don’t know where that will take me the punctuation is a result of the laptop being smart i suppose so cool i guess

i hurt someone that i care a lot about and as a result doesn’t care about me which is understandable

i think i may be as bad a person as I’ve been made out to be and thats awfully unfortunate

however i can also say that i didn’t do this because of a desire for anything else

i just don’t know what I’m doing and don’t know about anything really

but in the end

i am sorry i would never hurt you like this on purpose and you are right about all the negative things you’ve said to me i really am sorry

i wish that this would of been different but unfortunately its not

thank you for the wonderful times. I’m no martyr though, these are only true statements. i hope you enjoyed your time with me too.

I’m putting off writing my paper for as long as this takes to write because making up someone...

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 19:02:20 -0700

I’m putting off writing my paper for as long as this takes to write because making up someone and writing about their life seems like a really mediocre idea. Like it will probably be fun and I think I can actually do well with it. But I feel kind of disappointed with the option of doing it.

So I’m going to talk about the thing that everyone and their mom has talked about in the football world. Tim fucking Tebow.

I honestly think he is fantastic. He’s exciting. He makes me happy to be a Bronco fan again. I love the Broncos. I’ve watched them since before when I can remember. I watched the 97/98 superbowls with my grandpa. John Elway was my favorite player and they’re things I’ll never forget. Football is one of the few things my grandpa and I have to talk about anymore and I’m just happy to be here. I am personally Christian but I wouldn’t care if he was any other religion and thanked someone with that religion at the end of every game. I don’t know what is right, but if faith makes you personally stronger, then awesome. Do whatever makes you be you. I’ll never not be a fan but sometimes it’s more fun to be a fan when you win. Who doesn’t like to win? But this is rambling and I should probably stop and get to the point.

I don’t think Tebow is the best quarterback ever. I think that he is often inaccurate is the biggest complaint I would have. The biggest thing that analysts point out is that his throwing motion is very large and way too low. I believe today is the first fumble that Tebow has had, and that is the worry with his throwing motion too low. But the issue I see is that he often just misses his receivers. Which will come with practice and keeping Decker and Thomas around. Which hopefully we do.. Learning each other and if this works for a long time they can be just the right trio to carry us through games along with whatever running back we have at the time. McGahee has been a boss.

I think that the reason I like Tebow is that he wins and makes everyone around him either better or play better.. The team seems like they want to win when he’s in and they’ve rallied around Tebow. He comes through with the clutch play that wins. I think that 3rd and xx is just expected to happen sometimes. I think that is when I would trust his accuracy most! The broncos are 6-1 with Tebow taking over. We’ve come back from 15 point deficits in the fourth quarter and ended up winning. We came back from 10 with originally 8 minutes left in the game. It’s an exciting way to win. I have a friend at work that asked if we could sue Tim Tebow for giving heart attacks to fans everywhere. Everyone talks about how he can’t throw, but he beat the Vikings with his arm last week. He had a 75% completion rate in the 4th quarter against the bears today.

At the end of this day though, I’m just glad to be a Bronco fan. I want to see Tim Tebow win. I don’t expect to win a superbowl. But I want to win. I want the excitement instead of just watching us struggle to a loss. So go Broncos!

PS: Today was not won by Tim Tebow. Game MVP for the Broncos was Marion Barber. But at the end who led them there I guess? Maybe I’m just a tebowmaniac at this point. Someone cure me.

What I kind of wish you'd ask

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 00:06:01 -0600

Tina: Do you still have feelings for me?
Me: Yea.. But at this point they're disappointment and frustration rather than attraction

I kind of wonder if you’re starting to believe the bullshit you weave. If you actually think...

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 00:04:57 -0600

I kind of wonder if you’re starting to believe the bullshit you weave. If you actually think before you do anything. Or if you just write these things hoping that other people will believe you. I don’t know what is wrong with you. But I feel bad for you.

im so drunk, i cant see straight and i have so much anger at this moment i wish iw asnt fucking...

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 21:55:20 -0600

im so drunk, i cant see straight and i have so much anger at this moment i wish iw asnt fucking drunk because i want to beat the shit out of this kid fucking piece of fucking shit. i swear to god im going to fucking fuck him him up. i cant even see staright but fuck this fuck everything. i dont even give a fuckign shit im so fucking done. fuck everythign im cutting so i can feel something. i almost feel like i wish i was dead. maybe not dead, but fake a death. go somewhere where no one can know me. where nothing can happen. where nothign matters. i just am drunk fuck i dont know fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuCk cufk fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfioehfeio0ghlow’ fjOdj dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddgood

giidenough

I really hate me.

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 23:30:20 -0600

I really hate me.

Because this is the only place I can write this

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 23:25:48 -0600

Dear Miguel,

I haven’t told anyone to talk to you. I had originally wanted Jon to because I didn’t want Tina to be angry with me. But that was wrong and it’s why I talked to you directly. My best friend isn’t suing me. He and I had a car accident in which the insurance company didn’t help him as they should. Also, I have never been to court for rape. My roommate freshman year was upset that I had sex in my dorm room and called the police because he thought Bri was younger she was. Since I had done nothing wrong, nothing happened.

I want to point out, I have never attacked you in any of this. You honestly don’t hurt me, but I’m having a hard time understanding why you think it’s necessary.

I never once manipulated Tina. I never touched her while she was unconscious. But heres some stories to ask her about. Also I just wanted to say that by your standard you consider Jon a rapist.

Ask her about the first night she came over to my house. I actually remember asking if I could kiss her which she said yes. Then her hands were on me. I wasn’t wearing a shirt already but her hands were in my pants. So by your logic she raped me there. Anyways, the point of the story is when her pants came off she had no pubic hair. When I asked her later if she planned on it happening she told me, “I wasn’t sure but I wanted to be prepared just in case.” Sure doesn’t sound like rape there. Sounds like she wanted it.

You know the number one thing I remember her saying to me when we had sex. She begged me to orgasm inside of her. Every time. I tried to stop having sex with her on a few occasions because I wasn’t sure about it and she begged me not to because she wanted me to feel good. Sounds like consensual sex that she wanted.

Ask her about a Friday night in September where she called me at 130 in the morning. I joked about how I wasn’t wearing a shirt and she goes, “Well heres three things I can do here. I could just pretend I didn’t hear that, I could tell you I’m touching myself right now, or I could go get a teasing picture of myself.” We then proceeded to have phone sex.

The day she moved me up to Boulder I said, “lets take a shower and then lets get ready for dinner” to which she said yes please. When we got into the shower, I washed her hair and she washed mine and then she grabbed a hold of my penis and put it inside her. So either she raped me or that was consensual sex.

I believe you should also ask her about why she called in the middle of the night, woke me up, and she said, “I just wanted to tell you that I think I’m in love with you.” How did I manipulate that one.

It was always consensual. I never manipulated her in any way.

Chris said something, even though you are no longer friends because he honestly was worried about you; No matter what happened in your past. Jon honestly does care about you and is your friend and thats why he did. You should go talk to Evan in meat about it. Tina had told him something about her and I.

I’m attaching something I found in my phone today. I’m not trying to say in any way that it’s saying she loves having sex with me but look at the words. They weren’t provoked. I remember taking a picture of it because it had meant so much that she had called me novio.

I’m very sorry for everything that happened. I do feel bad about it.

I’m just.. typing. To be completely honest my eyes are closed and I’m just writing...

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 21:26:11 -0600

I’m just.. typing. To be completely honest my eyes are closed and I’m just writing whatever comes to my mind. So in advance, I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors I make. In general I think I have decent writing skills.

I’m… angry but that doesn’t depict my emotions well enough. I want to say furious but with just using angry then I’m still in control. My emotions aren’t making my actions happen. I’m doing what I think wil be right.. I’ve just about yelled at someone who doesn’t deserve it when it isn’t his fualt. I’m doing my best to take a big breathe in those situations and bring myself down. He is under enough stress as is. He doesn’t need my shit.

I’ve gotten to the point that I want to feel something. I understand my body’s temperature that I feel the cold but it’s like it isn’t really there. I feel the heat but it’s not there really either. But there’s moments I’m not sure I’m here. I don’t know how to describe it really but I think I’m so emotionally bottled up that I forgot how to express them. I kind of wnat to hurt. The morbid words that come to mind is I want to see blood. I mainly think of mine but I kind of wish I was working a shift with some sort of emergency services and just walking into a trauma scene. (I do feel like a psychopath because I can remember a quote from Dexter where he talk about the blood calming him down. But I truly just think I want to feel real, like I am alive and connected to something bigger. But I still feel kind of like a psychopath.)

Not that it matters but the source of the feeling (or lack there of) is this girl. She cheated on her boyfriend with me and if I were to guess slept with me… 30+ times. She now wants one of my best friends to tell her boyfriend that it was “rape” because she was just giving me what she thought I wanted not what she wanted. This same girl literally ripped my clothes off in some occasions and begged me to do dirty things to her. I feel like the boyfriend, her, and my roommate have treated this situation like it was one isolated incident of sex. Not the thirty plus times

I want to call her and talk to her. But I don’t think I could control myself. I feel like I would take all of the anger and frustration she has built up inside of me and just have it unleashed. I am a little worried about her, I cared a lot. More than I’d like to admit. I’m doing my absolute best for my friends to fight this battle because it shouldn’t be about me any longer. It doesn’t make sense for it to be.

I wish I could explain the guilt I have as well. I feel like such a bad person that one of my best friends has to deal with this. He’s invested at minimum 4 hours in two days on this and that’s not fair. All because I fucked up originally he has repercussions. That really isn’t how shit is supposed to work. I’m sorry. I wish I could show how sorry I am and shoulder more of the shit you have to go through currently. I don’t know how or anything but it is one of my desires.

Thank you words for making me feel a little better.Something had to in the end before I burst. Somewhere has to remember the words I felt, the things I believed, even if they don’t impact anything.

Rambling, because it's all I know.

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 00:05:15 -0600

I think I honestly have some of the best friends in the world. Why they put up with me I DONT KNOW. Since in comparison I suck cock. Not that sucking cock is bad for those that like it. It’s just not an act I want to do. However I enjoy it… Hmm complications with my retardation. Anyways, I think absolutely everyone had my back today and that meant a lot. Someone who had one night in the situation walked in and made a comment. Hopefully.. Once in a while I do something as fantastic for them.

Here’s to the guys I’d call my brothers, I don’t know what I’d do without them. Even the dumbass that ditches me all the time.. I can’t wait to see where our lives take us and what happens. It’ll be good no matter what.

I want to type so much, but I have no words.. I don’t like this.

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 20:01:48 -0600

I want to type so much, but I have no words.. I don’t like this.

I feel like me. and I love it. I’m kind of fantastic. edit: which is ironic because thats a...

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 01:00:00 -0600

I feel like me. and I love it. I’m kind of fantastic.

edit: which is ironic because thats a phrase she would use

Sleep

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 03:41:53 -0600

Where are you and why are you so hard to find. I just want to drift into the sweet abyss of darkness. Wrap myself in my blankets for the comfort that comes with warmth. Dream of new days, with new things. Bring me this peace please.

Here's my flow

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 23:07:40 -0600

Do you ever just sit and look back at what you’ve done. What has happened in your past. The mistakes you’ve made. The things you’ve accomplished. Kid Cudi goes, “I’ve got some feelings that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me, I bring them to the light for you, it’s only right..” I’m.. proud, tired, frustrated, exhausted, happy, sad, and starting to wonder if I’m slipping into a little bit of depression.

I’m proud because I actually have applied myself the way I should for once in my life. I’m incredibly intelligent but I’ve never used it. Just skating by on the slacking I could do and getting by. The only sad part was up until now it got me solid A’s. Shit.. at the community college it got me an A. If I’d of tried in that class I would of been number 1 with like a 99 freaking percent. But things have changed and I’m proud of the effort I’ve put in so far. It just is a matter of holding myself accountable and keeping at it. But this physiology class may just kick my ass. I need to find the office hours and get there and just work it in and out till I’m able to do it in my sleep. Cover up the other dreams I have with ones of physiology and how nerve impulses occur.

I’m tired.. constantly. Sleep 5 hours? Tired. Sleep 8 hours? Tired. Sleep 10 hours and be semi awake for 2 of them. Tired. I don’t know why is the problem. I wish I could say it was my diet but I’ve eaten pretty well as of late. I’m definitely not deficient on my B vitamins or anything like that which might cause exhaustion. I wish I knew but until I stop being tired. Just keep moving.

Frustrated.. too much to say but I’m going to sum it up with some All Time Low, “You know, there are some days when I really feel like this could work. Like, you and I are finally gonna get it right. Then there are days like today, where you make me want to tear my fucking hair out.” Life goes on but lying to yourself is silly.

Exhausted goes with tired, so there we go ha.

But life is overall good right now, there’s absolutely no reason to not be happy. I have good friends, good family, and good things coming. Just some days I fall apart and get upset over absolutely nothing.

In the end though, with the random sleepiness and just the random upsetedness.. I wonder if I’m starting to get depressed again. I’m irritable with my family and I know they just want to help sometimes. I don’t know. I hope not. Hopefully there is no seratonin imbalances. If it continues I’ll start worrying. Till then I’m just going to keep working at being happy.

Glasses and why I tumble.

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 17:32:16 -0600

I’ve realized I want to tumble when I’m not happy with my life. When I have something wrong I want to write on here. Which I guess is fine considering no one reads my words besides my friends anyways. So unfortunately all my friends get to read my pitifulness.

But all I wanted to write here was about getting glasses today. I can see so much better, and I’m almost tempted to just use them all the time because I can see so much better. Even in the close just everything is so much more focused. I’m kind of upset she isn’t here to see and be happy with me about it though because she picked them out. Idk.

The Past Two Months

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 10:10:12 -0600

I think in the end I’m writing this so that I can have some sort of documentation of what happened here. So that when I look back at the things I’ve done that I can say that was stupid and you should of known better, and part of me did. But the other half said that it was all going to be okay and all would work out. So heres a little story of how my life got flipped upside down.. wait not bel prince style here. Anyways more a story of a girl (I really am tempted to make another song statement but I’m not going to. Not only am I likely the only one reading this but I think I’m the only one that finds me funny.) that took my heart and then just threw me a way. It covers just over two months.

So the story begins a while back over a year ago where I had met this girl during work. I had no idea she had a boyfriend at the time and I just had talked to her because it had seemed like fun. We all know I’m a flirt anyways. But fast forward to christmas 2010 and I began to talk to her and we got along pretty well. Here I also knew her boyfriend and he was an acquaintance. Finally we’re going to go to the beginning of July. We had gotten closer in the past couple weeks and Jon, her, and I went bowling and to Buffalo Wild Wings. At the end of the night I was starting to tell she had feelings for me and that was that. I’d later find out that according to her she spent the entire night just interested in me. That next weekend she came over and at that point we had started to begin this entire cheating process. She had cuddled up to me in my bed and my shirt was off. I can remember feeling her breath on my neck and I had to ask, “Can I kiss you?” She responded with a simple yes and so it began. Before long we both had no clothes and we had sex. Passionate, intoxicating, mind-blowing sex. It was funny looking back at this situation later that she was completely shaved at the time. Either really good timing or maybe this was all planned. From here it just continued along this process. Her boyfriend would do something douchey and she would get closer to me.

There were a few times we decided this had to stop and that she was going to just go be with him since she knew I’d be here. It wouldn’t last long though and before I knew what was going on she was back in my arms. Not even because he did something wrong. Just because I was something she couldn’t quit. She and I went on multiple dates and I would say she was my best friend and I had fallen in love with her. She had called me in the middle of the night once and said, “Can I tell you something? I’m really scared to but I think I need to..” Followed by after my reassurance of yes, “I think I’m in love with you.” After this we fell asleep on the phone together and this was a continual process that happened almost every night. I shared some of my biggest secrets and really believed everything she said.

This ends up being the same story until recently. She came and stayed the night with me and that was the beginning of the end. That night was fantastic and we were completely fine. We drank a little, made a fort in my living room, had sex, and just enjoyed each other. The next day was spent completely together and then her boyfriend started callign which she just ignored. and ignored. and ignored. This was where we beginning to talk about her breaking up with him and she said she’d try. But she said she wasn’t able to. She wanted to commit suicide as a result of it and said she had cut multiple times that day. The following day I received a text from her asking if I was texting him and then I received odd messages from a number I didn’t know more or less saying that they were telling him what had happened. This doesn’t fit my persona for something I would do but I have received the blame now. This ended yesterday with the speech that was pre-prepared and not her own words. She had been manipulated by her friends and boyfriend before but this was the point of sadness. No longer was she just manipulated but she had become a puppet to these people, having them pull the strings and give her the words to say.

Heres my story. The only regret I have is that I believed in her. I have every belief I was in love with her and she loved me. I wish that it could of worked out. Now I’m without someone that became one of my closest friends, and someone that meant a lot to me.

Photo

Sat, 19 Mar 2011 06:35:30 -0600

I haven’t slept yet. It’s definitely not for a lack of trying though. I guess it’s...

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 06:30:30 -0700

I haven’t slept yet. It’s definitely not for a lack of trying though. I guess it’s as good a time as any to start the wild and wonderful world of cramming with a side of bs.